It does not require much to have a glimpse of those earlier moments, in which, as happy and jumpy as a puppy I was.
Until this day, I am still attached to the teddy bear. In the moment I hug him, like the moment I rushed home to find my rabbit buddy.
But the first welcome gang was my mum, wearing the yellow fluffy hoody, standing inside the green door, and clapping for my return (as requested by me).
You can mark my return by the loud repetition of my mum’s name in the staircases. It was me exerting myself to scare away the fear or whatever was hiding in the dark.
Those days were not difficult to get by even with the life -impacting test coming.
Because just like every school night, I could come to an ending with a victory-like welcome party, I also expected that at one point of time, I would see the last of it.
Getting by was frugal when you know when it would fold up.
That was the major lifestyle change I felt when I took on my first job, suddenly life has become less clear and people live on weeks, and nobody can tell you when the next graduation is coming.
How do we ever plan out the rest of the life when we are suddenly given the full autonomy,
In the beginning, survival is the symbol of independence.
But when crawling back into bed, warming the back of the teddy bear, does not erase the fear of being shadowed by the insane mundanity.
You do not want to admit that the freedom you have sought, the only hope that have been keeping you from cold, boils down to getting by only.
Nothing has changed,
Not until you build your own path, instead of walking the ones existed.
Maybe the happy ending is that I can be the same happy and jumpy when going home from work,
And what cheers me, is no longer associated with pushing the fear aside to embrace the comfort and love standing at the door-side.
There will be no destination required in order to keep me going.
Because I will not need any.
I will not need any if I can build a reality that destination is forgotten most of the time, yet I can feel I have been to all kinds of destinations in one day, in a lot of days.
Then eventually, happy ending can be deemed as officially overrated.
And teddy bear and I, we live happily ever after instead.
~Carol Shi