(I question the necessity of celebrations for the generally accepted ones that requires my obligations)
I remembered it was in my grandma’s yard about 15 years ago.
I buried a blue bird.
On the day of lunar eclipse in June 2020,
I saw a bird being ran over on the road.
I could not move further.
So I took the bird aside by the wings,
Which are the only parts still intact.
And I mumbled that,
Please be careful in your next life and go ahead.
I always wonder, why the formality of a funeral comes natural to me than others.
Graduation I have always been late for or chose not to attend.
Birthday, people’s congratulations I don’t know how to react.
Wedding rings, it seems that it shines the glow of a rare promise.
But does it, in some level, serve the same function of a dog’s piss,
To mark territory.
We have been clingy to some dates that we see differently than any other days.
Birthday, anniversary, new year, national day.
Meanings are made on each kind of changes,
Thus to dance for, to celebrate for, to lit fireworks for.
Milestones, though consist of our gratitude, but reflect the tiny wishes of ours, which are only to be shown mercy for.
So I don’t like the image of being immersing in those generally accepted moments, which only mirrors our temporary hopefulness and pretend to put a ending somewhere.
It was the school-organized museum trip puzzles me initially.
The painting, depending on different perspectives, that shows the woman in different age.
And all I could see was the elderly lady.
So I have, on my twenties, decided for my last few years.
To work as a cleaner in a temple.
And the funeral has to be in carnival style, which deserves itself as to be the one and ultimate celebration.
But I promise you,
Life will not be added one more ounce of dullness because of my angel as such.
Because it is hardly those dates that make us laugh, weep or feeling alive.
And we are even more free and honest to be wild and laugh the guts out to the things and people we truly feel about it.
So, the elderly lady,
Let’s party Carol’s style!
~Carol Shi